I regret my abortion.
Feminism hurts everyone – and misguides the unwary!
The thing about traps is that unless you get hurt, you will never know you’re in one.
Growing up there was pressure to prove to myself that I was self-reliant, self-sufficient and emotionally independent. Premarital sex was on my checklist, if I wanted to be accepted as a modern-day woman.
I needed to channel the vibe that my body was my business and sex, like eating, was just a method of expressing my carnal needs.
It was only a matter of time before I reaped what I sowed.
My first abortion took place because of my misguided sense of duty to save my parents from public humiliation. It was, and still is, wrong at all levels.
However, I could not rationalize away my undeniable guilt with my second abortion. I told myself that I could not go through the whole ordeal with my parents again. So, I put on my “big girl pants” and went through with it, alone.
After the procedure, I tried to reassure myself that I had done what was necessary, for my family, my career and my future.
Yet, no amount of assurance or self-talk could eliminate the truth – that I killed my own child again, so that I could live my life as I wished.
“God, still, forgives,” whispered my soft-spoken and charming parish priest from the pulpit every day.
Because I kept hearing that same message over and over again, I really thought that there existed a bridge that I could cross back and forth. On one end, was this contemporary, sophisticated and emotionally independent woman, and on the other end, was a faithful, peace-loving, Catholic daughter – at every Mass.
Eight years after that horrible second abortion, and sadly after a third one in 2015, I finally got sterilized after I had my third child in 2018.
In October of that same year, I learned about the traditional Catholic movement and the errors of feminism.
Had a “traddie”, whom I befriended on Facebook, not reproached me I would still be living in lala-land. When he said that I’ll end up in hell, my initial reaction was to defend myself by saying God is merciful.
Then he told me I was deranged, if I thought my sins had no consequences. Though I was hurt by the choice of his words I was ready for a fair fight.
His accusation did not reflect the merciful and understanding Redeemer that I knew. “So,” I thought, “this is easy. I just need to make him see what the early Fathers have to say.”
Boy, was I in for the shock of my life! The plank was removed from my eyes.
With great confidence, I Googled “Church Fathers on abortion.” What I found nearly destroyed me, had it not been for the grace of God. These are but the few of the quotes that made a clean stab to my heart.
“If a woman becomes pregnant by committing adultery, while her husband is absent, and after the act she destroys the child, it is proper to keep her from communion until death, because she has doubled her crime.”Council of Elvira, Canon 63 [circa AD 305]
“She who has deliberately destroyed a fetus has to pay the penalty of murder.”St. Basil the Great Letter 188:2, circa 370
The decrees were extremely severe because the Fathers understood a child was killed.
“For us [Christians] we may not destroy even the fetus in the womb… To hinder a birth is merely a speedier man-killing; nor does it matter when you take away a life that is born or destroy one that is coming to birth. That is a man, which is going to be one: you have the fruit already in the seed.”Tertullian, Apology 9:6 [circa AD 160-240]
I denied the child not only his right to live but also the occasion of the Beatific Vision, acquired through the Sacrament of Baptism. I, who would still be ash if not for God’s grace! There’s no question why I shouldn’t die and rot in Hell for the crimes that I committed.
I cried! Oh how I cried!
I sunk into a deep, dark hole and my home turned into a war-torn zone. My husband and the kids became my punching bags. Don’t even talk about prayers, for I abandoned them altogether. I was a complete wreck.
Somehow, after those few months of living in lunacy, I stepped out of my darkness, a foot at a time. I can’t recall what prompted me to do that. I’m just glad that I did.
Acts of Reparation – the Hard Work Begins
As I regained my courage, I revisited all the previous texts by the Fathers. From there, I eventually found my way to repentance, forgiveness and acts of reparation.
And as I started to patch my broken pieces, I got a hold of Saint Louis Marie De Montfort’s “The Secret of The Rosary“. I followed his method word by word and have been receiving great spiritual support.
And as I suspected, even the trials and temptations increased. If it weren’t for the Rosary, I might have slipped back into the dark hole, deeper than I was before.
This reminded me of a quote by Saint Anthony the Great, the mentor of another great defender of faith, Saint Athanasius:
“If you wish, you can be a slave of passions, and if you wish, you can remain free and not submit to their yoke; for God has created you with that power.”St Anthony the Great
Honestly, it’s quite a struggle to get myself together when I have this much baggage.
So I do small acts of reparation whenever I can. For example, I try to not starting an argument when my husband and I disagree on an issue; I take time off from Social Media and instead spend time with the kids. I get the chores done without grumbling.
I know these are not enough, but I am working on it really hard.
Being a stubborn perfectionist with an ugly temper, one can only imagine how I function with all the inner chaos. This is one of my many crosses which I have to bear patiently and not allow it to disrupt the peace of others, especially my own family.
I regret my abortion, through and through
I really regret my abortion.
As a Catholic, I acknowledge and truly believe that I am indeed forgiven, through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Yet, I should never presume that I am released from my obligation to do all that I can to placate God’s wrath against my sins.
I am a work in progress and will always be, till the day I expire from this earthly life. And as long as there is still some kick in me, I will persevere in doing what the Lord and his Law requires of me, with radiating joy, especially in times of trials and tribulations.
In other words, my aim is Heaven. Whether I am paying my dues while I am alive or (and probably) later in purgatory, I want my forever after to be where there are no more tears shed and no more heartache felt.
“Grace of the mystery of the Death and Passion of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, come down into my soul and make me truly holy.” (5th Sorrowful Mystery of Saint Louis Marie de Montfort’s formula).
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- The Apology, by Tertullian
- Basil: Letters 186-248, Volume III
- The Secret of the Rosary by St Louis de Montfort